what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Someone came in the potted fern
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
