I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
