He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
