I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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