Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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