it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
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seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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