I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
