just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
