I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
