I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
