Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
