I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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