her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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