And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
