its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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