Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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