Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
