Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
