Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
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Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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