my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
