Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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