you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
