I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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