decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
