i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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