I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
