life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
