and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.