mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church