Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers