I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
