her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
