I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
