I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
