I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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