I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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