thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
