i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
