I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
