He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
