can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
