Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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