Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
