We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
