Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She told me I should be a condom model.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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