When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
