I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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