Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.