I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything