I puked a lego.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.