Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you