every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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