dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Redeem this text for a blowjob
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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