You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
