I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
