My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
