A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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