why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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