Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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