Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
